Gone

And then I stopped feeling. Everything was numb. I couldn’t cry anymore, its almost as if my tear glands were tired of doing their work. I was tired. Tired from the very low lows and kinda sorta high highs… I knew not where I belonged anymore. So I stopped feeling altogether. I sat there not sure if I was a believer or not. If I wanted to live or if I preferred leaving this space to those who understood it better than I had.

It was two years of confusion. One day I knew who I wanted to be and the following day life was laughing in my face… I could almost hear her voice “You thought you had it figured out huh” the smirk on her face was what made it worse. But there was nothing I could do about it or maybe my body was not willing. I had tried so many times to convince myself that tomorrow would be better, but it wasn’t. Every day it got worse, my body cells adjusted to the environment. On that day, I was sure I was no longer living, I was just being… Because the little strength I had left was only good for just being.

People say they feel sad sometimes, I feel like I am SAD. Like if I was a word SAD would be it. There are days I convince myself that maybe sharing will make it better, but their eyes tell a different story every time I share a piece of me. They seem like they want to listen but their eyes want you to be quiet and stop whining already. They say count your blessings because others have it worse, but I haven’t told them not to be happy because others are celebrating even bigger achievements. But mine is whining and self-pity and I should get over it. I agree, and maybe if I had the strength I would wake up from my bed, walk to that bridge and get over it. My legs wouldn’t move, my hands are tied by the rope of gone hope and my heart cannot stand the pain from the shattered dreams.

Forgive me, I know you are wiser than I am, I will get up… One minute… If I can move one leg I am sure the rest of my body will want to follow. Give me time. I know it’s not on our side… Wait… Please… I guess its okay if you leave. Maybe if I were whole I would leave too or maybe its because we both know by the time my other foot hits the ground it will be forever later.. just before we rest, you in peace and I in pieces. Seeing how much I have been through peace feels far-fetched, even in death. Suicide is considered a sin, how dare I take a life I did not give to myself. But when you get to heaven, tell Him I tried😐